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The Simpsons Ride
(The episode begins with a memoriam) "This episode is dedicated to Sam Simon (One of the co-developers of "The Simpsons," along with James L. Brooks and Matt Groening), 1955-2015." (We then cut to black and a quote) '"Is it Ice Cream?" -An old Springfield proverb-' (We then cut to Jerk in front of the Universal Studios Hollywood entrance sign.) Jerk: To all who come to this reasonably content place, welcome. I'm Some Jerk With A Camera! (We cut to the entrance archway for the park with the "Some Jerk With A Camera" Logo in the same style as "The Simpsons.") Universal hates itself! No, really, Universal hates itself. Jerk (v/o): Oh, sure, they try to act confident. After all, they are one of only two Hollywood studios with the guts to get into the theme park business (Besides Disney) permanently (Paramount's Kings Island), domestically (WB Movie World in Australia and 20th Century Fox World in Malaysia), consenually (Disney-MGM Studios). But, beneath that veneer of confidence, Universal knows it is but a shell of itself; (as the Universal logo music deflates in the background) a fraud, a phony, a charlatan that can't handle the theme park business alone. (Cut to Jerk, riding the Starway escalator to the Lower lot) Jerk: Depression is a terrible disease like any other, and if corporations were people, it stands to reason that they would develop the ailments of regular 'people' people. I mean, it's got all the symptoms; weight gain (We then cut to the under construction "Wizarding World of Harry Potter"), mood swings (We cut to split screen clips of "We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story!" and "Schindler's List" (both two projects from Steven Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment) with "We're Back" given the caption "November 1993" and "Schindler's List" with "December 1993"), denial (Cut to a commercial for the park with a walk-around a character of Marylin Monroe), and abusive behavior towards loved ones. (Cut to a poster for the film adaptation of "50 Shades Of Grey") Not to mention, the only movies they've ever made about theme parks are disaster movies, where everything goes horribly wrong and hundreds of tourists get horribly killed! (Examples shown are "Rollercoaster," "Jaws 3D," and "Jurassic World." We then cut to the "Universal" Logo.) Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Universal: "Can you Identify this corpse?" (We then cut to a clip from "The Simpsons," the family is taking a road trip.) Bart and Lisa Simpson: Are we there yet? Homer Simpson: No. Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Homer: No. Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Homer: No. (Cut back to Jerk.) Jerk: How did this theme park develop such intense self-loathng? Well, I dare say, standing in the shadow of a rodent would make anyone feel small. Jerk (v/o): Disneyland is the happiest place on our planet, Universal is that planet (The logo is the Earth). But somehow, it's only the entertainment capital of a city it's not even technically in. (the marketing headline is, "The entertainment capital of LA," it's in Universal City, CA. which is still part of Los Angeles County.) Disney has always been "Little Mouse Perfect," hasn't it? It hooks the masses in their youth and follows them to their graves with parks that rely almost entirely on properties Disney owns or buys out eventually ("Star Wars"). Disney is the beautiful, pure, and perfect princess Molly Ringwald, while Universal... (Cut to a clip from "The Breakfast Club.") Universal/Allison Reynolds: I'm a nymphomaniac. Jerk (v/o): ...gets in bed with any intellectual property that will have it (examples are "Men In Black," "Beetlejuice," "Harry Potter," "Terminator," "Transformers," and "Shrek"), including ones Disney buys out (Marvel). And lately, it's gotten so depressed, that it's decided to just stay in and play video games (Universal is going to do rides and attractions based off of Nintendo properties). And it slaps its own logo on a park with all that stuff, as if to say, "Yeah, but they're really All Universal movies. They all take place on planet Earth , right? And that's us, so they're ours. (Cut to another clip from "The Breakfast Club.") Universal/Allison Reynolds: I'm not a nymphomaniac, I'm a compulsive liar. (Cut back to the Simpsons on their road trip.) Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Homer: No. (While Homer is changing a tire.) Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Homer: No! (While driving at night) Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Homer: (After being woken by Marge Simpson) Huh? No! Jerk: And that's the root of this park's depression. It knows that objectively, it doesn't really have a reason to exist. I mean, think about it, it's not that strong of a brand name. Kids don't watch the Universal Channel, The Nostalgia Critic doesn't do Universcember, and whenever Universal, somehow, does stumble upon its own successful franchise that kids are really into (He walks by a poster of a Minion from "Despicable Me"), it has this annoying habit of SQUEEZING EVERY LAST DROP OF LIFE OUT OF THAT FRANCHISE, LIKE LENNY (from "Of Mice and Men") STROKING A PUPPY TOO HARD!!! (Cut to Jerk outside of the ride, Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem.) Oh, it's coming. Someday, when the 2010s are but a nostalgic memory and the kids of today pause for a moment from staring into the depressing abyss of adulthood, to finally remember those wacky "Despicable Me" movies they used to go see, (Points behind him) this will still be standing, confusing the hell out of their kids. Oh, you don't believe me? Tell you what, right now, go to "Universal Studios Florida" and ask all the kids playing at "Fievel's Playland" (a playground based off of "An American Tail: Fievel Goes West"), who the fuck Fievel is. (A caption pops up, saying "Do not actually do that unless you enjoy prison") But, I'm sure those of you who read this link before clicking on it are asking, "what does any of this have to do with 'The Simpsons?'" (Cut back to the road trip.) Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Homer: NO! (Cut to the family parked outside a rest stop. Bart and Lisa are outside a bathroom) Bart and Lisa: (To Homer, in the bath room) Are we there yet? Homer (v/o): (From in the bathroom) NO! (Cut to them back in the car, stuck in traffic by the "Hollywood" sign.) Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Homer: NOOO! Jerk (v/o): When “Back to the Future: The Ride” closed, I was sorry to see it go, but it wasn’t really a surprise; that 2015 scene was literally getting less futuristic everyday. Still, there was no reason they couldn’t just update the ride like Disney updated Star Tours, it’s still one of their most beloved franchises ever and Christopher Lloyd is still alive and working. Hell, he still plays Doc Brown every now and then. But, for some reason, Universal completely lost faith in one of the most celebrated stories it ever brought to the screen. The ride that helped put the park on the map wasn’t good enough anymore once the cool kids (“The Simpsons”) expressed interest Universal hated itself so much, it gutted an e-ticket all its own so that it could pay royalties to Rupert Murdoch (CEO of News Co. that owns Fox), who would get in bed with the enemy, one year later. (The American Idol Experience at Walt Disney World) All for a theme park disaster movie with the narrative that theme parks are death traps. (Cut to Jerk in front of a picture of Comic Book Guy wearing Marty McFly’s 2015 jacket.) Jerk: It would have been nice to see if “The Simpsons” and “Back to the Future” could’ve coexisted in peace and harmony with Bart and Marty skateboarding together off into the sunset, but… (Cut to a clip from “Back to the Future: Part III”) Marty McFly: Nobody calls me yellow! (Caption pops up: “#Racist!”) Jerk (v/o): Seriously, have you noticed how many yellow characters Universal has? It’s weird, right? Is yellow just an appealing color or are the executives secretly yellow supremacists or something? I don’t know. (We are shown images of the Simpsons, Minions, Bumblebee from Transformers, SpongeBob, the Man in Yellow from “Curious George,” Dr. Suess’ Sneetches, Carlos and Phil from “Hop,” and then parody ones like a yellow Nintendo DS, The Cheat from “Homestar Runner,” we then get parody rides with yellow characters like Sarlington Butler with “Wonder Showzen: The Ride,” Silk Spectre II with “Watchmen: the ride,” Beatrix Kiddo aka The Bride with “Kill Bill: Crazy 88 Mayhem,” Roark Junior with “Sin City: Rip Ride Rockit.” And Scud: the Disposable Assassin in “Scud: The Disposable Attraction.”) Jerk (v/o): Anyway, ever since the salad days of “Do the Bartman,” “The Simpsons” have been courted for theme park rights by various parties. Even Disney offered to exploit them for a cheap character meet and greet show at Disney-MGM. But, the show’s producers wisely knew they deserved better. (Cut to an interview with “Simpsons” creator, Matt Groening) Matt Groening: Marketing “The Simpsons” on t-shirts and mugs, yeah, we could do that, but it would be wrong. Jerk (v/o): They were sitting on, arguably, the greatest lead “The Sinbad Show” ever had and they knew it! And they refused to be bought out for anything less than (Talks like Lyle Landly from the “Monorail” episode) “a genuine, bonafide, electrified 6 car ride” of some sort, the exact number of cars was negotiable. Jerk: And James L. Brooks has maintained the same policy on all his shows. (Cut to the intro to “Taxi” (Which James L. Brooks co-created), which sees the a pov of the back of a car going across the Queensboro Bridge, followed by a Taxi. A caption reads “The Taxi Ride” followed by the credits of the actors doe the show.) Jerk (v/o): WOOHOO, “TAXI” SIMULATOR! IT FEELS LIKE I’M ACTUALLY LOOKING AT A TAXI! THIS IS AWESOME! WOW, THE 3D IS AMAZING! IT’S LIKE I’M REALLY LOOKING AT DANNY DEVITO’S NAME! WOO, MARILU HENNER! (A display from the ”Back to the Future: Ride” Delorean, with the Flux Capacitor, Time-circuit display, and a monitor with Jim Ignatowski (played by Christopher Lloyd) from “Taxi”) Jim Ignatowski: For no reason at all, I'll suddenly see something happening in the future and it usually comes true. (Cut to clips from “Simpson episodes”) Jerk (v/o): Finally, Gracie Films signed with… Marge Simpson: SeaWorld? Bart: No. Homer: Disney World? Bart: (Shakes his head) Uh-uh. Dan Conners: Gator World? Bart: ‘Fraid not. Lisa: Universal Studios? (Cut to a poster for ‘The Simpsons Ride” of the family having a rotten time.) Homer (v/o): Stupid Lisa! Jerk (v/o): Christopher Lloyd was replaced with Dan Castellaneta, again (Dan Casrellaneta voiced Doc Brown in "Back to the Future: The Series"), as our favorite family moved into the motion simulators in Doc Brown's OMNIMAX domes, 'cause you know, last time they were under a dome went so well for them (In "The Simpsons Movie"), and "The Simpsons Ride" was born. Although, of course, any authentic "Simpsons Ride" would go on about three times too long to throw in a few too many guest stars. (Cut to clip from the pre-show of "The Simpsons Ride") Doctor Emmett L. Brown: (To Prof. Frink) You idiot, you ruined everything! (Cut to Jerk by the Delorean in the NBC Universal Experience.) Jerk: Literally no reason why they couldn't just bring back "Back to the..." (Tries to subside his anger) Letting it go. Jerk (v/o): Originally, they wanted to base the ride's story around a field trip to the nuclear power plant, which would've fit the look of the institute much better. Hell, they could have even made those giant IMAX buildings look like the cooling towers. But voice actor Harry Shearer apparently demanded too much money for Universal's liking, and no Harry Shearer means no Mr. Burns, no Smithers, no (Principal) Skinner, no Otto, no (Ned) Flanders, no (Reverend) Lovejoy, no (Doctor) Hibbert, no Jasper, no Kent Brockman, no Herman, no God (God on the Simpsons), and perhaps most tragic of all, no Lenny. Bart and Lisa: (sad) NOT LENNY! Jerk (v/o): And since you'd need at least half of those for a proper field trip to the power plant episode, the new premise is that Krusty the Clown bought the Institute of Future Technology and turned it into Krustyland, a massive indoor theme park. Jeez, even Disney can make that work (Disney Quest). And we're all about to partake in its signature ride, along with this randomly selected, average, suburban family (The Simpsons); an astronaut (Homer), an ex-con (Marge), a future president (Lisa), a baby who shot a man (Maggie), and the "I didn't do it" kid (Bart). (Cut to the pre-show, Krusty is taking to the Simpsons) Krusty: And you can pick one other group to come with you. Bart: (Points at us) How about these guys? Krusty: Eh, sure, whatever, they look clean. (Cut to a clip from "A Hard Days Night.") John Lennon: Are you? (Cut to Jerk in a gift shop for “Transformers: The Ride.”) Jerk: And the eight passenger DeLoreans have now been transformed into the most terrifyingly dangerous vehicles in the history of mankind: vehicles controlled by Kelsey Grammer. (Cut to a promo video for the ride, first with the Simpsons screaming when they see him, in the ride car. We then cut to Kelsey Grammer, who voices longtime Simpsons antagonist, Sideshow Bob.) Kelsey Grammer: Sideshow Bob is featured in this ride. Um, he pretty much is the ride. Jerk (v/o): That’s right, Krusty’s age-old nemesis has once again escaped from tossing salads and scrambling eggs in prison commandeer “Krust-iversal Studios.” (Cut to the pre-show, where Krusty has a gun pointed at him by Sideshow Bob disguised as a Scratchy character.) Krusty: What do you want? Sideshow Bob: (Takes off the cat head to reveal his identity) A dish, best served cold. Homer: Is it ice cream? Sideshow Bob: (Angry) NO, REVENGE! Jerk (v/o): In other words, Kelsey Grammer, the third highest paid actor in the history of television, apparently demanded less money for this than the bassist from “Spinal Tap” (Who is played by Harry Shearer). (Cut to the entrance for “The Simpsons Ride” with a sign for the ride plus a sign saying “Starring the bassist from Spinal Tap,” below the main sign. Jerk is playing Jeanine Pettibone in “This is Spinal Tap,” David St. Hubbins' girlfriend, which is just Jerk wearing a cowboy hat and speaking in a cockney accent.) Jeanine/Jerk: If I’ve told them once, I told them a hundred times to put “Bassist from Spinal Tap” first and “Simpsons: Ride” last. (Cut to a clip from “This is Spinal Tap.”) Derek Smalls: It’s a morale builder, isn’t it? (Jerk, still dressed as Jeanine, breaks character and looks at the audience.) Jerk: Incidentally, Harry Shearer also refused to participate in either of these commercials, one due to scheduling conflicts and the other because he found out the product can cause leukemia. See if you can guess which is which! (Cut to the commercial break, we then cut to footage of the backstage scene from “This is Spinal Tap.”) Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Coming this summer to Cedar Point, just outside Cleveland… Derek Smalls (v/o): HELLO, CLEVELAND! Announcer/Jerk (v/o): …it’s “The is Spinal Tap: The Ride!” WALK through a queue that looks just like a confusing backstage area, GAZE in amazement at the animatronic janitor giving directions, and the RIDE, literally, NO RIDE! “This is Spinal Tap: The Lack of Ride,” coming only to “Hard Rock Park!” (In a small voice so no one will notice.) Derek Smalls is now played by Kelsey Grammer. * Hard Rock Park was an ill-fated amusement park in Myrtle Beach that opened in 2008 and only lasted for 6 months due to financial troubles, then opened again a year later under the name Freestyle Music Park, and then closed for good after that season ended. (Cut to the intro for “The Simpsons”) Jerk (v/o): “The Simpsons Ride” opened on both coasts in May of 2008 and immediately became one of the top two carnival themed rides on both coasts that summer based on an iconic cartoon from the 90s and involving a character played by Kelsey Grammer. (“Toy Story: Midway Mania!”) Weird. (Cut to Homer driving Buzz Lightyear in a bus) Homer: I’m gonna hide you where there’s no one around for miles; Disney’s California Adventure! Jerk (v/o): The queue (For “The Simpsons Ride”) perfectly captures the look and feel of a cheap Springfield-ian theme park, right down to dressing the cast members (Park staff for the ride) as (Beat) Waldo. (They wear red and white striped shirts that say “Sideshow” and their nametag beneath that.) And they put the word “Sideshow” on everyone’s shirt, because originally, they wanted it on everyone’s nametag. Jerk: Here’s how that conversation went with the nametag people. (We cut to Jerk playing 3 people; Nametag Guy, Shirt Guy, and possibly Matt Groening or himself, in the gift show for “The Simpsons Ride.” Matt Groening/Jerk is by “Smpsons” plush toys, Nametag Guy by nametags and just has his hair tied, and Shirt Guy by the shirts and he’s not wearing his glasses.) Nametag Guy: (In a dull sounding voice, bewildered) “Sideshow’s” not a name. Matt Groening/Jerk: Yeah, but, all of Krusty’s sidekicks have “Sideshow” before their names. Sideshow Bob, Sideshow Mel, Sideshow Luke Perry, it…it’d be fun to continue that tradition. Nametag Guy: But “Sideshow’s” not a name. Matt Groening/Jerk: (Starting to get frustrated) I know, but the idea is that this is Krusty’s theme park… Nametag guy: Nametags are for names, “Sideshow’s” not a name. MG/Jerk: If you could just open your mind a tiny… Nametag guy: We could put it on a shirt, shirt could say anything. MG/Jerk: Okay, (Turns to Shirt Guy) shirt department, instead of name tags, can we put “Sideshow Name’” on every shirt? Shirt Guy: (Confused) You want the word “Sideshow Name” on 500 shirts? MG/Jerk: (Getting more frustrated) No, every shirt should have a different name. Shirt Guy: You can’t make every shirt different, you brainless Claude, they’re not nametags. Nametag Guy: Yeah, you cannot not have nametags, how else would you tag names? Shirt Guy: I know, we’ll “Sideshow” on the shirt and the name on the nametags! Nametag Guy: Right, cause “Sideshow’s” not a name. MG/Jerk: That kind of defeats the purpose… Nametag Guy: Or we could just change everyone’s name to “Bort.” MG/Jerk: (Angry) You’re fired. Nametag Guy: YOU CAN”T FIRE ME! WITHOUT NAMETAGS, EVERYONE’S NAMELESS! MG/Jerk: Damn it, you're right! You’ve bested me for the last time, Mister…what was your name again? Nametag Guy: Sideshow Johnson! MG/Jerk: I hate you. (A laugh track is heard as fake end credits roll by with sitcom-like music '90s Land of the Lost theme music. Cut to Jerk in front of the Kwik-E-Mart of the “Springfield” section of the park.) Jerk: But, I digress...which is unlike me, I know. The thing is, there’s really not much to mock in this ride. Jerk (v/o): I’m not kidding. Content-wise, this is by far the funniest ride I’ve ever been on. It was written by the show’s actual writing staff and it doesn’t take itself even remotely seriously. So, there’s really nothing for me to satirically push against. Jerk: This ride makes fun of itself at every turn, even if I tried, well… (Cut to a clip from “South Park”) Dougie/General Disarray: “Simpsons” did it! (Butters Stotch/Professor Chaos screams in frustration) Jerk: So, like any citizen of the internet, I know that whenever I lack sufficient brain capacity to make fun of something, there’s only one thing left to do: nitpick it! (Cut to black as “The Final Countdown” by Europe plays) Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Some Jerk With A Camera presents: “The Top 11 Nitpickings About ‘The Simpsons Ride!” (We cut back to Jerk by the comic book store part of the Springfield land. Jerk takes a hair tie and uses it to tie his hair in a pony tail, then opens his shirt to reveal a blue “Simpsons Ride” T-shirt, he takes off his regular shirt and glasses, he now looks like “Simpsons” character, Comic Book Guy.) Jerk: Why top 11? Because I like to go (Starts doing an impressions of Comic Book Guy) THE WORST STEP BEYOND-EVER! (The list comes with clips from the show where a character says the number.) #11 Kent Brockman: I’m Kent Brockman, on the 11 O’clock news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. Comic Book Jerk (Which I’m calling him till he stops. v/o): The layout for Krustyland is remarkably similar to that of the former Institute, and these ride vehicles look remarkably like the eight passenger DeLoreans, they even have gull wing doors for some reason. It’s almost as though they just painted over everything. (Cut to Comic Book Jerk in front of a cartoon map for Krustyland in the show.) Comic Book Jerk: (After looking at the map) Park still looks fake. (Cut to an episode from the show where a panel is being held at the Comic Book Store.) Doug (A nerdy college student): (To his friends, Benjamin and Gary) Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. (Each number on the list ends with Doug saying that, except the last one.) #10 Homer: (To Bart) But, no, you had to be 10! Comic Book Jerk (v/o): They shut down “Back to the Future (The Ride)” for the 2015 scene, but they don’t mind showing this joke in 2015! (We see a clip from an older episode shown in the pre-show with Troy McClure, covered in bandages and casts riding a roller coaster going up the track at the start for a commercial.) Announcer (v/o): Home of the Whiplash! (Says in a way so barely anyone will notice.) To be completed in 1994. (We see the track isn’t complete and Troy McClure screams as he and the car fall off the high, incomplete track. We see Comic Book Jerk is unenthused by the video.) Comic Book Jerk: Just keeps getting funnier and funnier. Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #9: Australian man: (Reading a phone bill) 900 dollarydoos! Comic Book Jerk: This ride is neither the first nor last appearance of Krustyland. (Cut to clips of the show that mentions the park.) Krusty: (At a press conference) Those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knifes. Mr. Black: (To the kids of Camp Krusty) For the past 15 years, I was president of Euro-Krustyland…until it blew up. CMJ (v/o): They’ve even visited the place on the actual show since the ride opened. So, technically, Krustyland is canon! (We see a clip from the show of someone being shot out of a canon. Said guy soars past CBJ) CBJ: It was also a level on that weird, early “Simpsons” Arcade game, where Smithers kidnaps Maggie (Cause she had a diamond) and you had to chase him through Krustyland and there were all these…(Marge is fighting Krustyland staff that almost look like Moleman, with a large mallet) The hell am I looking at? (Cut a part of the game where Marge fights what looks like clones of Troy McClure with umbrellas for weapons.) Troy McClure Clones: Hi, we’re clones of Troy McClure. You might remember us from such battle tactics as using an umbrella and evaporating at the touch of a hammer! Jerk (v/o): Too soon! (Cut to CBJ inside the Krusty Burger part of the Springfield area.) CBJ: And if that weren’t enough, there’s also a Krustyland comic book! (We see the three issues of the series are framed on the restaurants walls. After he looks around to see if anyone notices, we then cut to outside the restaurant where we hear a noise of breaking glass and an alarm as CBJ runs out with the comics.) YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! CBJ (v/o): In this three-issue series from the mid-90s, Krusty builds a cheap theme park in less than a month to settle a debt with the mafia. But the land is cursed or something and everything goes horribly wrong, and it’s destroyed on opening day. It was poorly drawn and not easy to follow, but it existed and best as I can tell, Sideshow Bob is not in it! CBJ: (Holding a Krustyland Comic) Frankly, I’m surprised. In 572 episodes, the series has not made a single continuity error, and yet the ride, the game, and the comic book, all tell very different stories. So, which one really happened?! (We cut to a bunch of Jerk's friends, Spazz Master, Trickster Bell, Doggans, Matt Iannone, Mikey Insanity, R.L. King, Mikey Ederer, Kasey Kane, Jess Kitrick, and Stevie Swigart.) His friends: (Yell) NONE OF THEM! (CBJ looks angry that they’re not taking this seriously.) Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. _________________________________________________________________________________________________ #8 Yoko Ono Parody: Number 8. (Barney Gumble Belches) Number 8. (Barney belches) Number 8. (Barney belches) (Cut to the pre-show, where we see a clip from a past episode of a talk show with Troy McClure.) Troy McClure: Let’s meet the inventor, Doctor Nick Riviera. Dr. Nick: (Comes from behind the curtain) Hello, Troy. Hi, everybody! (Cut to CBJ in line for the ride, looking at the pre-show monitors) CBJ and the audience in the show: Hi, Dr. Nick! CBJ: (Looks around at everyone else in line, they don’t say anything) No one ever does it! Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #7 Mathemagician: (Doing math for a kids birthday party) Uh, this is a magic 7. (Cut back to the pre-show video) Krusty: (To us) Then (Sideshow) Bob tried to frame me for robbery and he was foiled by the Simpsons! CBJ: What the…? He was foiled by Bart. Bart figured the whole thing out! Bart: I didn’t do it. CBJ: Yes, you did. The family never even believed you until Bob’s third episode. Bart: I didn’t do it! CBJ: Yes, you did! You cracked the case wide open! Bart: I didn’t do it. CBJ: (Getting frustrated) I admire your modesty, but I have animated evidence… (Cut to a montage of Bart saying “I didn’t do it”) CBJ: I’m trying to…It’s a compliment…I’m trying to… (Cut to a clip from "Pulp Fiction.”) Jules Winnfield (played by Samuel L. Jackson): YES, YOU DID! CBJ: (Angry) SHUT UP! If you’re gonna be this difficult, then so help me… Bart: (Scared) Wait! CBJ: Nope, too late! Bart: Don’t do it! CBJ: Oh, I’m doing it; I will have a cow! Bart: NOOOO! CBJ: Yes! (He maniacally laughs, afterward we cut to him next to a statue of a horse) I said cow! (Cut to a clip from the show) Movie assistant: Cows don’t look like cows on film, you’ve got to use horses. CBJ: (Rolls his eyes) Fine, I’ll have a horse instead. (Begins to leave) C’mon, Princess. (We then cut to a shot that says “Scene missing.”) Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #6 Bart and Lisa: We’re under 6. Homer: And I’m a college student! (Cut to the pre-show where the family are about to enter the ride vehicle) Wow, we’re the first people to ever ride this baby! We’re like that space guy who did that moon thing! Lisa: Neil Armstrong? Homer: No, Chewbacca! (Makes Chewbacca-like growl) CBJ: (Looking annoyed) I believe I’ve made it abundantly clear that despite what certain pre-shows would tell you, Chewbacca rides nothing! (See Jerk's reviews for Star Tours and Star Tours: The Adventure Continues (Parts 1 and 2).) Would you care for some fresh ground pepper in that wound, now that you’ve SALTED IT?!?! (He cries and leaves the frame, we hear him trip and fall.) I bent my Neil Armstrong! Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #5 Grandpa Abe Simpson: Nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them! “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say! CBJ (v/o): Why are the pre-show clips all normal, two-dimensional animation as God intended, while the ride film is all CGI? (He notices the CGI version of Comic Book Guy in the ride.) Dear God, I look like a Smurf with jaundice. (We cut to an interview for the ride.) Mike West (Executive producer, Creative Studios): (By a cardboard poster for the ride) Once we had them in the dome, we wanted them to have a completely immersive experience and I think, bringing the CG look to it was paramount to that. (Cut to CBJ in front of SpongeBob merchandise in a gift shop.) CBJ: Wrong studio, moron. (Cut back to the Mike West interview. The cardboard poster that had the Universal Studios logo is now replaced by the Paramount Pictures logo, the “Simpsons” part of the “The Simpsons Ride” is replaced with ‘SpongeBob,” and Marge’s face is replaced with SpongeBob.) CBJ (v/o): That’ll teach you to answer my question reasonably. Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #4 Legs (One of Fat Tony’s Henchmen): (Sees Krusty and Homer dressed as Krusty) I’m seeing double, here! Four Krustys! (Cut to the start of the ride where the vehicle takes the Simpsons down a track.) CBJ: There’s a weird dialogue variant between the two coasts. (In both, Homer is standing up in the ride. For Hollywood) Marge: Homey, they said to stay seated! Homer: Oh, that’s a load of corporate… (He then gets hit by wrecking ball from a crane operated by Sideshow Bob. He laughs as Homer screams. We then cut to the Orlando version.) Marge: Homey, they said to stay seated! Homer: Oh, that’s a load of… (Gets hit by Wrecking ball) CBJ: And this line was apparently changed before the ride even opened! (We cut to Bart, Lisa and our car flung to a ride based off the green elves on the show. We see the promo footage.) Bart: A fate worse than death: A kiddy ride! Lisa: At least we’re safe. (We then cut to the actual ride version) Bart: A kiddy ride? (Groans) Lisa: At least we’re safe. CBJ: So apparently, Florida is anti-corporate (I think he mixed them up cause I double-checked and it’s Hollywood with the “load of corporate…” line) and both parks are anti-death? No wonder they couldn’t get Mr. Burns. Homer: (Yells) IT’S KURNS, STUPID! Marge: No, it’s not. Homer: (To who he was yelling at) Disregard. Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #3 Grandpa Abe: I set the toaster to three, medium brown. CBJ (v/o): One remnant from the power plant draft is a climax where nuclear radiation causes Maggie (Simpsons) to grow giant sized, and when it happens, the Simpsons…just go home (Really a recreation of the opening couch gag) and wait for the baby to be killed by the military or something. But then their couch turns into a ride vehicle and the aliens (Kang and Kodos) show up, because why wouldn’t they? I’m aware they’re turning the action into a couch gag, but those are permitted to flex the show’s reality, because they’re not part of the episode proper. CBJ: For such a weird twist to end a Simpsons adventure, especially one involving Homer getting run over by a wrecking ball, a giant, robot panda (That Sideshow Bob controls), Lisa riding a whale, a “Honey, I Blew Up the Kid” rip-off, and a literal trip to hell. Well, then I just have to say, Verisimilitude compromised! (Nods) Yeah. Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #2 Bart and Lisa: (Looking at a photo album) Wow, two! Marge: (unenthused) Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. CBJ: I completely ripped-off my previous statement from my “Captain EO” review. (We dream wipe to Part 2 of Jerk’s “Captain EO” review.) Jerk: (Yells) VERISIMILITUDE COMPROMISED! (We then dream wipe back to CBJ) CBJ: That gives me an idea. (We cut Homer meeting Faux Michael Jackson aka Leon Kompowski) Faux Michael Jackson aka Leon Kompowski/Jerk (v/o): Hi, I’m Captain EO. Homer/Jerk (v/o): Hi, I was captain of a Monorail once. Faux Michael Jackson aka Leon Kompowski/Captain EO (v/o): We’re going in! Homer: Uh-oh! Doug: Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. #1 Homer: #1? (Laughs) What kind of stupid wiener name is that? (Laughs then mocks) “Hello, my name is #1!” (Laughs, which dies down) And so forth. (Cut to the end of the ride, Sideshow Bob holds a big radial saw weapon.) Sideshow Bob: I’ve still got five seconds to kill somebody! (Turns to us) Hello, folks! (He is the squashed when the Simpsons couch, followed by the Simpsons, who fall on him.) Homer: What a horrible nightmare! (Cut to CBJ by Sideshow Bob, who is meeting guests) CBJ: Right before that couch crushed him, he totally should’ve stepped on a rake. (Cut back to the end of the ride) Sideshow Bob: Hello, folks! (Cut to a clip from an episode where he does step on a rake, groans at his pain, then cut back to the ride where the Simpsons and couch crush him.) Homer: What a horrible nightmare! (Cut to CBJ, pointing at the ride) CBJ: You are not pandering to me correctly, you ride, you! I HOPE EVERYONE GOT FIRED FOR THAT BLUNDER! I COMMAND MORE FIRINGS FOR MY AMUSEMENT! I AM THE INTERNET! I AM… (We see him struggle to get the hair tie off to become Jerk again as the sky turns red. He turns into a Smeagol/Gollum-like scene.) Jerk: (The sky is now yellow) I like “The Simpsons Ride!” CBJ: (Sky is red again) NO, WE HATE “THE SIMPSONS RIDE!” (We see him continue to struggle as the sky is now yellow and red, showing both personalities fighting for dominance. But Jerk gets the hair tie off (He screams as does so), his hair is back down, and the sky is blue again) Jerk: I love “The Simpsons Ride!” Jerk (v/o): Not only is this, hands down, my favorite ride in the park, I dare say it’s worth the price of admission, alone! If you enjoy intense motion simulators and you’re not completely dead inside, this is absolutely, positively, not to be missed! (Cut to Jerk. He takes his blue “Simpsons Ride” shirt off to reveal his regular black shirt. He also puts his glasses back on.) Jerk: In fact, the only thing that could possibly make it (the ride) even cooler is a “Halloween Horror Nights” makeover as a ‘Treehouse of Horror” ride! They could even bring back Homer’s toaster (That could travel through time) and do “Back to the Future (The Ride)” again…I can dream, can’t I? (We cut to the “Back to the Future: the Ride,” where the eight passenger DeLorean encounters the T-rex, we see Homer fall into its mouth.) And now, at long last, we can finally reveal for absolute certain, that Springfield is located in the state of California (beat) and Florida (Beat) and Illinois and Missouri and Massachusetts and all those others, technically. (We then cut to Calluna by a “Entering Springfield” sign for one of the actual towns) Calluna: Where the hell’s the ride? Jerk (v/o): A couple years ago, Florida opened an expanded “Springfield” area all around the ride and just last month, Hollywood followed suit with some of artery-clogging eateries this side of Shelbyville. At least, we pathetic real people can drink at “Moe’s,” eat at “Krusty Burger,” and…(We cut to a shot of the restaurant, “Cletus’ (The hobo) Chicken Shack”) Chirst, they’ll give a small business loan to anyone these days. Cletus: Hey, kids, we’re… Jerk: (dubbing in) Selling… Cletus: …dinner tonight! Jerk: “The Simpsons” and a chicken joint, just imagine it. (We dream wipe to a commercial for Pioneer Chicken with O.J. Simpson. O.J. is sitting down at the restaurant to enjoy his meal.) Announcer (v/o): Hey, O.J., you sure enjoy that golden Pioneer chicken. O.J. Simpson: Oh, yeah, I love it! (A second O.J. Simpson sits next to the first O.J.) O.J. Simpsons: As much as I love Pioneer’s new country spicy chicken! Announcer: Buy a 10-piece bucket of Pioneer chicken and get a free kids ticket to Universal Studios tour! Jerk: (Realizes) Wait a minute. (Beat) The real killer was the other O.J.! Jerk (v/o): They even finally built the power plant as a decorative backdrop; where you can push a button to cause a horrible meltdown. (Really, the button just causes dry ice fog to come out of the cooling towers.) Jerk: And I don’t want to alarm you, but I think all this radiation has started to mutate the people of Springfield. Some of them have even grown a fifth finger on each hand. Fortunately, I’m protected against such…(notices his hands and screams in shock. He looks scared as “the walking away" song from the 70s “Incredible Hulk” show plays. He cries) Don’t look at me, I’m a monster! (He runs away, as a caption pops up, saying: “#Sexist”) Jerk (v/o): What I really admire about “The Simpsons Ride” is the finesse with which it has its forbidden donut and eats it, too. You might remember my “Roseanne’s Disney World” episode and how their attempt at a Disney satire in their next episode was torpedoed by a single line. Roseanne Conner: This place wants to be Disney World, but it’s just some creepy, fascist copy! (Cut to Jerk eating a Butterfinger bar, whose commercials featured “The Simpsons.”) Jerk: (Mouth full of candy bar) Here, at an actual theme park, you don’t get such aggressive compromise. If anything, you get the sweetest, crispy-est, crunchiest, peanut buttery-est subtle kind of compromise. Jerk (v/o): You see, to an entire generation, “The Simpsons” wasn’t just a TV show; it was “The” TV show. Not just for the humor or the characters or the animation, all were exemplary, but also for how it ingeniously used TV to commentate on TV in ways no one had ever seen before. It “Trojan-horsed” the most biting satire of the industry, this side of Harlan Ellison, into a bright candy colored cartoon the whole family could watch together. Homer: (Holding a portable TV) TELEVISION: TEACHER, MOTHER, (In a seductive voice) secret lover! (Cut to a clip from a different episode) Bart: (To his parents) It’s just hard not to listen to TV. It’s spent so much more time raising us than you have! (Cut to Sideshow Bob, talking to people in a stadium on a jumbo-tron.) Sideshow Bob: By the way, I’m aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So, don’t bother pointing that out. Jerk (v/o): So, even as a teenager, when I went through my angry “TV sucks” phase, I still watched “The Simpsons,” because it agreed with me. Bart: TV sucks. Jerk (v/o): I knew I wasn’t alone. On “The Simpsons Ride,” I admit, I don’t quite see that level of satire, but it’s pretty damn close. (We cut to the beginning of the ride.) Homer: (to Lisa) Sweetie, they won’t kill you in an amusement park as long as you have a dime left in your pocket! Jerk (v/o): All the stops are pulled out to remind us of how artificial, dysfunctional, and borderline fascist theme parks can be. (Cut to the pre-show to one of the Krustyland staff members, Jeremy Freedman aka Squeaky-Voiced Teen.) Jeremy Freedman: (to the audience) We’re required to take an extensive training course and not wear facial hair. Jerk (v/o): And no other theme park ride has ever thoroughly acknowledged how much it sucks to wait in line.. Krusty: (In pre-show) Only 45 more minutes! Jerk (v/o): If the satire doesn’t quite work, it’s not because it was watered down, it’s because the ride itself did its job too well. This is one of the most brilliantly intense motion simulators I’ve ever ridden, with all the awesome impressiveness of “Back to the Future (The Ride),” reprogrammed to replicate the sensation of pure cartoon chaos incarnate. It tells you how much theme parks suck while showing you precisely the opposite. And in the end, it’s your decision which part you want to listen to. Will you get fed up with the park’s more annoying aspects, or…? (Cut to the end of the ride, when the family squishes Bob with the couch, Giant Maggie pushes the entrance of Krustyland as the Simpsons are saved by he doorway, but the screen has now gone to black.) Homer (v/o): Let’s go again! Jerk: So in the end, maybe it’s not so bad for a theme park to hate itself. Just a little self-effacing humility can give it a sense of humor and force it to experiment now and then. Maybe even, God forbid, leave creative decisions to creative people. You certainly don’t see too much of that from the evil, bureaucratic alpha mouse an hour’s drive south (Disneyland). Jerk (v/o): There are very few things in pop-culture that mean more to me than “Back to the Future,” but “The Simpsons” is one of them, and “The Simpsons Ride” is a worthy tribute to the greatest TV show of all time. And with that show about to wrap up it’s 83rd season (26th by the time the episode premiered) with no end in sight and syndication, keeping it rerunning for centuries, even if and when it does finally get canceled, like it or not, Springfield is here to stay! Jerk: Yeah, I miss its time-traveling predecessor as much as the next theme park fan, but at least they replaced a nine with a 9.5. And I know not everyone agrees with me and there’s lots of people out there consider this an abomination and wish “Back to the Future (The Ride)” was still here, and that’s okay. Because, after all, what “Simpsons” product could possibly be complete without fans complaining it was better 20 years ago? Until next time, (Salutes) I’m Some Jerk With A Camera. (He exits the frame as we stay on “The Simpsons Ride” as we cut to the end credits. We then cut mid-way through to Jerk at a convention. He’s strolling along until he comes across a group of people.) Jerk: Can I help you? Ex-Universal employee: We’re the Universal employees who got fired for those blunders! Jerk: (Looking guilty) Oh…um…well…um ...(The ex-employees starts to brandish weapons) You’re looking well. Second Ex-Universal employee: GET HIM! (They then chase after Jerk as we cut back to the rest of the end credits.) (The End) Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts